So today I’m sharing a little bit of my personal stuffs again. Partly because i feel that getting things out in the open will make me feel better about it; I’ve always said blogging’s cheaper than therapy. Unfortunately its effectiveness as therapy only goes so far. And that is why I visited my GP yesterday to get back in the meds.
For a few weeks (although I suppose it actually started around the time I was retrenched – again – last year) I’ve been dealing with a huge amount of stress, not the least of which has to do with me going through the process of sequestration.
I’ve reached a point where I realised I’m steering towards trouble and that I need help. For someone with a strange relationship with food (reformed emotional eater, occasional food hoarder) I hardly ever eat now; maybe once a day, most likely dinner. And i feel terribly ill once that’s done. So off to my doctor I went, after trying to source a psychiatrist, or even a psychologist, through Twitter. I refuse to take time off from work for counselling, and working in Johannesburg, living in Pretoria, doesn’t leave a lot of time open, and that’s just part of the problem. Most medical practitioners these days expect the patients to pay for the consultation and then claim it back from the medical aid – not an ideal situation if your disposable income is all disposed of.
That is how my doctor convinced me to give Cilift a go again. Like he says, it won’t solve my problems, but it will help me get through the days until I can find someone flexible in time and payment policy to help me out (and who doesn’t tempt me to commit assault).
And that’s where I’m at right now: battling to keep the big black dog on a leash, legally without any assets or value other than myself (and with the amount of self-doubt/lack of confidence I’ve been stumbling through the last couple of weeks even that’s not much), trying very hard to convince myself that everything’s going to be okay. I don’t believe it yet, but I’m so tired that I can almost be considered patient (not a patient, just someone who’s content with things moving at their own pace).
It’s not easy, but it is surviving, and that’s okay for now.